Questioning

Been having a bit of a rough time since my Muncie Half Ironman a week ago, and I can’t exactly pin point what it is. I’ve still been getting most of my workouts in, although motivation continues to be a bit of an issue. I just completed my longest solo ride today – a 38-miler in 2:40, which would have been the full 3 hours that I had anticipated, had it not been for the 105 degree heat index. I was supposed to have started a fifty miler at 7:00 a.m. this morning, but a late-night, much-needed dinner with friends meant a sleep in on this Saturday morning for me, and so I didn’t even get started until 12:00 noon. Lesson learned.

On a more positive note, I completed my longest swim ever yesterday with 3000 yards (1.86 miles). This took approximately 1:25, which is considered slow by most standards, but since I always swim slower in a pool and have consistently swam 2:20 min./ 100m in open water, I’m not concerned. Didn’t feel much fatigue, just some boredom mostly, but breaking it up by 6x500m helped.

So…what is it that I’m questioning you ask? This whole process to be quite honest. Mostly, WHY is it that I’m doing this? Why am I putting in all of this time doing the training, giving up what little social life I do have, ending the day with exhausted muscles, crispy skin, and aching body parts that I didn’t even know where possible to hurt? For the second time during this training process I’m considering throwing in the towel.

I was talking with my girlfriends over dinner last night, one of which is a current triathlete, the other two triathletes in training about to do their first sprint, and I mentioned that I’m having a hard time motivating myself at times to push and get some of the workouts in. This is nothing new if you’ve read past posts of mine, but for some reason Muncie put a lot of things into perspective for me. It’s almost like my love/hate relationship with marathons. Although I’ve completed five, I would say I don’t necessarily enjoy them. And while half-marathons are no walk in the park, I at least feel like I’m having a somewhat decent time and know that it’s going to be over shortly after I climb aboard the struggle bus – if the bus ever even arrives. I’m getting sort of the same feeling about the HIM vs. the Full IM. Muncie was fun up until I had knee issues half-way through the run. I was even smiling on the bike and thinking, “Man, this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually had fun during a race.” At twice the distance, I’m not sure I’m going to be saying the same thing about IMLOU.

Several times this past week I’ve found myself questioning whether or not I am going to continue the training and actually toe the line in October. Yet, several times this past week I found myself either in the pool, on the bike, or lacing up the running shoes. A big part of the discussion last night centered around my fear of failure. I have such a big fear that I’m not going to be able to pull it off. I told the girls that, physically, I know that I can do it – I just don’t know that I can do it in the time allotted. Mentally…. well, I’m actually a whole lot more concerned about the mental aspect of things than the physical to be quite honest.

I’ve never really FAILED at anything that mattered in my life. Even my former marriage doesn’t feel like a failure, as I’m able to look back at it as two young kids in love who tied the knot way too young and figured it out a little too late. I was scared to go out on my own in the private practice because I wasn’t sure I could make it financially yet, here I am 3+ years later doing very well for myself and only regretting that I didn’t do it sooner. So why such questioning and lack of confidence this time around? I did my first sprint in 2009, first Olympic in 2010 and now my first HIM in 2015. Isn’t the natural progression of things to do an Ironman? If I don’t do it in three months, when I’ve already paid my dues, put in the work, and am probably in the best shape of my life, when AM I going to do it? If I put it off until next year I’ll just have to start from square one again. Not to mention the registration fees – sheesh!

So, I guess I found my answer. I will do it because I can. I will do it because that feeling I had crossing the finish line in Muncie is probably only a fraction of what I will feel in October. I will do it because a DNF is not the worst thing in the world that could ever happen to me. I will do it because I know that, come race day, I won’t even be able to go downtown, log onto Facebook, or check race updates for those who are racing that day if I pull out now – it would just be too painful. I will do it because, just like a few months ago, I know this feeling will pass again and I will somehow muster up the motivation and confidence to keep on training to prepare myself for that infamous day: October 11th.