A New Leaf

So I’m guessing my last post or two must’ve relayed a lot more of my negativity and lack of confidence than I realized because I’ve had three people reach out to me asking how I’m doing, if everything is okay, etc. I must admit, looking back I have not been in a good place for most of the last few months – at least. I was questioning both my ability, and my want to do Ironman Louisville.

As I stated in a prior post, because of these feelings and the lack of their improvement regardless of what I did, I sought outside help which came in the form of a massage therapist (Kim) who also performs Reiki (Google it). The details of our 2 ½ hour appointment, along with the personal nature of things that came out are too much for this blog, but suffice it to say I left there feeling a huge weight lifted off of me, and a much more optimistic outlook regarding multiple areas of my life.

Since this process my energy and motivation to train has improved drastically. I found myself out on the bike for an hour yesterday, followed by an hour run – neither of which brought on pessimism or doubt. I was even looking forward to these two workouts and began a new mantra getting up the hills on the bike: “Hurts less than a DNF.” And this is true. No matter how much discomfort and fatigue I feel while training (or during the IM), the physical aspect of what my body is put through could not be nearly as painful as a DNF (of course, there are circumstances in which a DNF is the only option, but in my case a DNF due to lack of training and confidence has been my biggest concern.)

It’s funny but, it’s almost as if my mindset has done a complete 180, and that I’ve finally woken up to the fact that this can be a fun process, and that the outcome of gaining a personal achievement is what it’s really all about for me. I’ve had to do some soul searching to come to this conclusion as I haven’t been 100% certain as to why I actually wanted to complete an Ironman. With the help of a triathlon friend who reached out to me, and whom I met with earlier this week, I began to ask myself some tough questions and continued to toy with the idea of pulling out all together. The following day, however, I felt much better about things and decided to move forward – even going so far as to signing up for 2 Century rides and a 2.4 mile swim as a part of my training plan.

This change in mood has made the training feel a lot less “heavy,” too - if that makes sense. My rides this week have seemed to go more smoothly, and my runs felt great as well. I don’t find myself questioning my abilities, cursing the hills, or dreading putting on my cycling gear, running shoes or swim cap. Oddly enough, I’ve found that I have been exhibiting a lot less anger while driving as well. I’ve been much more forgiving and have noticed that the “F bomb,” has decreased in my vocabulary by 87.6% (roughly). All around, I feel much less negative and pessimistic about things – something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Again, the session I had with Kim gave me some insight as to why I’ve been thinking and feeling the way I have for the past few years, even though I tried to hide it behind this mask of happiness and words of, “I’m okay.” Well, I wasn’t okay. I don’t think I’ve been okay for a while. But right here, right now, I can honestly say that I’m in a much better place than I was – and that feels amazing.