Not This Year - and I'm Okay With That

After much back and forth and weighing the pros and cons, I've decided that this year will not be my Ironman year after all. A number of things contributed to this decision: the first year of opening my practice full time and the time and energy that consumes, my off and on depression that has been so sporadic and unpredictable that I could never tell from one day to the next if I would have the energy and motivation to train, my lack of physical training due to the depression, and most of all not feeling mentally prepared for this long day.

My feelings about the long training days and the race itself have been so erratic that I wasn't sure or confident in how I would feel come race day. Would it be a good day, or a bad day? Would I ever feel confident in my abilities to do this, or would there forever be doubt? One day I would be on top of the world enjoying a nice ride or a good run, and the next I'd be dreading it - just counting down the miles or minutes to when I'd be finished. Maybe this is normal in Ironman training, I don't know. Even if it is I'm not equipped at this time to cope with it appropriately, and feel I need at least another year to build both my mental and physical stamina to conquer something as large as a 140.6 mile race.

When I signed up last October I had high hopes. Probably too high considering the only triathlon I had done in the prior three years had just taken place a month before; coming in the form of a sprint in which I placed second to last. And although placing near or at the back of the pack was never an issue for me (I've come in dead last in two Olympic tris and a 10k trail run), I don't think I was prepared for how mentally stressful and fatigued training for an Ironman can be.

If and when I decide to try my hand at the long course again, I want to be fully ready for it. I want it to be a fun experience - or, at least, not one that I dread. Someone said to me in the past few weeks, "I bet you're looking forward to October." I responded that I was only looking forward to it being over, and getting my life back. Little did I know, they were referring to my Destin vacation while I was referring to IMLOU. I don't want to have that kind of attitude going into it. I want to be able to enjoy myself and enjoy the process and appreciate the fact that I have the physical capabilities to complete such a great feat.

When I finally made the decision this past weekend to pull out, I was 10% sad and 90% relieved. This tells me that I've made the right decision for myself. In the meantime, I do plan to continue training. I've come a long way to just give it all up now, and want to keep what I've gained in order to complete a 70.3 or two next year. My goal is to continue to build my physical stamina and strength and to take things day by day in order to determine what the future holds. Will there be a 140.6 in my future, who knows. But before I make that decision again I plan to be as prepared as possible.