St. Jude Memphis Marathon

30 hours post-marathon, I am still trying to figure out how I feel about what just happened, and why. I went into the weekend a little leary of this race, as I prepared very little - much like with Chicago 2009. But, having two marathons under my belt, knowing that it was going to be good weather, and that I would have Alicia running beside me the whole time, I felt a little confident at least. I wasn't super-psyched about the race from the start of the long weekend, but there have been plenty of races I went into not feeling it, and ended up with either a PR or at least the ability to mentally overcome whatever obstacle there were to my enjoyment of the event. For St. Jude, however, this never quite happened.

I started the race at a wall. I would say by Mile 3 I knew I wasn't going to feel any better two miles, six miles, ten miles, or twenty six miles into it. I usually am able to give a play-by-play of my races, and distinctly recap what happend at each mile, but for whatever reason my head just wasn't in the game yesterday. I started off wishing it was already over and wondering when it would all end. At mile 11 I started crying and told Alicia that I was seriously considering breaking off with the half-marathoners and just finishing then. She pushed me, and although now I'm glad that she did, I really just wanted to stop at 13.1 miles in.

After that half-way mark I wasn't the same. Prior to that I was trying to cheer myself up (you know, the whole "fake it 'til you make it" trick). I was taking photos along the route, posing with an Elvis impersonator and some random-ass panda on the side of the road, and video-taping a nice little version of The Village People's YMCA. But after that first half I was mentally and physically done. I'm not sure how much of a part the physical fitness came into play, as I was able to accomplish this feat in Chicago just a year prior (running a full marathon with little training, I mean), and Alicia was like Mary Poppins on crack with just as little training as I had. Sincerely - she was like a motivational speaker who just eventually got pissed and wanted to slap me before it was all over with. Looking back, I think a lot of it was mental.

Although I was physically in pain, it wasn't until I sat down to stretch about 17 miles in that I mentally gave up and cried loudly to Alicia that I couldn't finish. She was supportive, and told me that she really thought I would regret it if I didn't keep going - but she understood that if I was in that much pain and needed to quit. It was up to me. Because the ball was now in my court, however, and I was being told that I could throw in the towel or not, I kept going. Grimace and all.

Most of the race was a blur as I was more in my head than anywhere else. I stopped a dozen times or more to stretch, avoided eye contact with anyone I came in contact with, forced water and Gu's hoping anything would help - but didn't. My solace was having looked at the elevation map of the race beforehand, and being under the impression that it was almost all downhill (literally) after mile 19. Well, mile 19 came and went and the course looked no less hilly than it had been the prior miles. I was truly defeated at this point. I was ticked at Alicia for her chipper "C'mon girl" attitude, and she was ticked at me for my "Screw the world" one. I later told her I honestly felt homicidal when she told me, at mile 22, that I "wasn't even trying". Ugh!!!!!!

I believe it was somewhere between miles 23 and 24 that I just got so sick and tired of being out on the road that I forced myself, with all I had, to run as much as I could (this looked more like a shuffle really). I ran more those last 2-3 miles than I did the prior 5 or so. We made our way up the last hill and around the corner to see mile marker 26 just ahead. For the last .2 Alicia and I continued to run together and there should be a nice shot of us holding hands up in the air as we cross the finish line together! Finally - the torture was over.

As I said, I'm not sure what was so different about this race than the prior two marathons. Yes, Chicago was a struggle, and maybe I was having subconscious flashbacks of that race that hampered my mental status this time around - who knows. One thing is for sure - we have the Miami Marathon coming up in less than two months, and there WILL be training for that one. I plan on getting back on the treadmill for a small run in another three days, and continuing 3 short runs during the week, with long runs on weekends with Alicia. Never in my life do I want to feel again what I felt yesterday. And if it was a lack of training, at least I'll nip that one in the bud. If it was something else however - well, I don't know. I may have to evaluate things going on in my life right now and see what needs to change.